Step 2. Read the directions:
1. Spread out collected soil on a piece of paper and pick out leaves, stones, or sticks.
2. Use the back of a plastic spoon to crush any lumps bigger than a pea.
3. Let soil dry overnight.
4. Follow all directions about mixing distilled water, soil, and provided tablets in the little test tubes.
5. The water in the test tubes will magically turn colors and then you can easily determine everything about the soil.
Step 3. Get a trowel full of dirt from a few inches down in the ground, dump it on a piece of paper, and throw it in the spare room overnight to dry.
Step 4. Start crushing the dry dirt with the plastic spoon. Realize that the dirt was full of ants.
Clobber Gently remove ants with plastic spoon.
*Images have been censored.*
Step 6. Spend lots of time trying to crush dried pieces of clay with plastic spoon.
Step 7. Actually follow the directions and mix distilled water, soil, and little tablets according to instructions on soil kit. Compare colors to chart.
Step 8. Realize that my soil actually is acidic. Throw out the cheap, lying ph tester that has been telling me all this time that my soil is alkaline.
Step 9. Wonder why two of the tubes stayed clear and did not change color at all.
|Uh, aren't there supposed to be some color in those two clear test tubes?|
Step 10. Redo the whole test with different dirt and get the exact same results, including the two clear test tubes.
*See image above*
Step 11. Suspect that the soil test kit I just recently bought was in fact already expired. Go back to store and get different soil test.
Step 12. Follow all the directions exactly this time, and remove leaves, sticks, ants, etc., from dirt and crush it before putting in the spare room to dry.
Step 13. Mix soil with distilled water, fill test tubes to correct levels, add tablets, shake, pray that colors appear this time.
Step 14. Celebrate that there is some color in the test tubes. Stop celebrating when I realize that the colors tell me that there are very few nutrients in my soil.
Step 15. See if I can convince Mr. Red House to increase our budget for compost and soil amendments.
Step 16. Go make sure there are no more ants in the spare room that my parents will be staying in next weekend...